Only in New York. :)

I meant to post this last week, as soon as I saw it in The Onion, but I forgot. It’s great:

Wisconsin Has Crush On Minnesota
MADISON, WI—After years of silent ardor, Wisconsin finally admitted Monday to having a serious crush on its neighbor Minnesota. “Dear Minnesota, I’ve been wanting to say this for a long time, but I’ve been too shy—I think you’re cute,” the Badger State wrote in a three-page letter it slipped under the door of the Minnesota State Capitol in St. Paul. “I think your Glacial Ridge Trail is so pretty. I’ll be sitting between Illinois and Michigan if you want to talk to me.” Minnesota, which harbors no romantic feelings for Wisconsin, is reportedly trying to figure out a polite way to let the state down easy.

Hee hee hee. Only in The Onion.

Basketball player Damon Stoudamire was arrested last week at the Tuscon airport when he was found to be in possession of marijuana. Was he caught by a drug-sniffing dog? Did an exceptionally observant security guard notice his bloodshot eyes and pull him aside for questioning? No — he tried to pass through a metal detector with his stash of pot wrapped in aluminum foil.

Dumbass.

From one of those endlessly circulating e-mail forwards:

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you’re a mile away, and you have their shoes.

Just picked up this week’s issue of The Onion from a box along Eighth Avenue. Among the headlines: “Strom Thurmond Finally, Finally Dies.”

Also: “Bush Asks Congress For $30 Billion To Help Fight War On Criticism.”

Alanis Morrisette, take note: This is ironic. During the first few hours of the new national “do not call” list for telemarketers, Yahoo Mail users who signed up for the list were unable to confirm their participation because the confirmation e-mails were blocked by Yahoo’s spam filter, which thought the messages were junk mail because so many were being sent out at once. Heh.

By the way, you can sign up for the do-not-call list at www.donotcall.gov. Ten million other people already have.

UPDATE: Make that 10,000,001 people. I just signed up my cell phone. :)

The world’s seventh-oldest person and its oldest Chicago Cubs fan, Cleo Dunaway Craig, died Saturday morning at the age of 113.

The Cubs reportedly plan to mark Craig’s passing by failing to win the World Series, as they have done every year since she was 19.

President Bush did his best Gerald Ford impression while riding a Segway scooter in Maine yesterday:

You see? One minute you allow gay civil unions, and the next thing you know, the whole institution of marriage is going to the dogs:

Hehe.

My dad just bought me today’s New York Post. The front page includes this fake “ad”:

The New York Times
HELP WANTED
EXECUTIVE EDITOR
For Manhattan-based newspaper of record. Lefty francophile with diversity obsession and knack for plugging circulation leaks. Allergic to Republicans okay. Tolerance for high taxes a must. America-basher a plus. Respect for facts optional. Ask for “Pinch.”

Har-dee-har-har. Gotta love the Post.

Another premature obituary, this time for Strom Thurmond. Trent Lott could not be reached for comment. :)

Hehe: U.S. Director of Central Intelligence William Tenet took himself into custody this morning under suspicion of having deceived himself about the extent of Iraq’s weapons development program.

Also: Today the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) will approve a new set of rules allowing newspapers no one reads to buy TV stations no one watches. Again, hehe.

This is my 1,000th post on this blog (hooray!), and what better way to make it a memorable one than with a bit of humor? In that spirit, I give you, from a recent rerun of an early-May Late Show, the Top Ten President Bush Excuses For Not Finding Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Follow the link to read the whole thing. My personal favorite is Number 6: “Did I say Iraq has weapons of mass destruction? I meant they have goats.”

Also rather funny is Number 5: “How are we supposed to find weapons of mass destruction when we can’t even find Cheney?”

And Number 2 has a certain comic simplicity to it: “Let’s face it — I ain’t exactly a genius.”

Heh.

Thanks to Instapundit for linking to this hilarious timeline of Internet history. Among my favorite entries:

1983: Researchers develop TCP/IP, DNS, IAB, and other important internet acronyms.

2001: Blogging invented. Promises to change the way people bore strangers with banal anecdotes about their pets. (Ha!)

2003: After 43.2 million spams, and over 2.3 billion pop-up ads worldwide, someone buys an X-10 mini cam.

Hehe. Read the whole thing, as they say.

From The Onion:

Nation’s Dogs Dangerously Underpetted, Say Dogs
NEW YORK—At a press conference Monday, representatives of the Association of American Dogs announced that the nation’s canines are dangerously underpetted. “Every night, thousands of U.S. dogs go to bed without so much as a scritch behind the ears,” AAD president Banjo said. “If this sort of neglect from our masters continues, it could lead to widespread jumping on the furniture.” Upon his owner’s arrival in the press-conference room, Banjo abruptly ended his speech, frantically barking, leaping, and rolling over on his back in an effort to communicate his need for a vigorous belly rub.