Apparently not satisfied with bedding one-third of the Paris Hilton-Britney Spears-Lindsay Lohan axis of skankiness, Matt Leinart reportedly tried to increase his completion rate to 67% Friday night at the Jackrabbit Lounge in Scottsadle, Arizona. At least, that’s what gossip blog PerezHilton.com is saying:

The quarterback, previously linked with Paris Hilton, plays for the Arizona Cardinals.

And Friday night he was playing Britney Spears!

Sources tell us that the pair were flirting hardcore on the patio area all night long, bumping and grinding and whispering in each others’ ears.

(Hat tip: Toni.)

But alas, it looks like Leinart wasn’t able to connect on this 4th-and-9 pass: Britney reportedly spent her last night in Arizona sans Matt.

Spears is expected to be in Vegas tonight for New Year’s. Of course, who knows whether Leinart might be in the vicinity as well. It’s not like he has a playoff run to get ready for! He could easily fly up to Sin City after the Cardinals’ season-ending game in San Diego this afternoon. He’s certainly familiar with Vegas, as it’s where he and Paris got hot and heavy earlier this year. Anyway, if Leinart’s New Year’s resolutions for 2006 included making it with two Hollywood floozies, he’d better hurry!

P.S. Just to make this story all the more trashy: Leinart’s a new dad. His “girlfriend,” USC women’s basketball player Brynn Cameron (I was under the impression they had broken up, but not according to Us magazine; there are even rumors that they’re engaged), gave birth to 6-pound-7-ounce Cole Cameron Leinart on October 24.

Of course, Britney Spears has a history of dating (and marrying, and divorcing) guys who have babies at home and/or on the way…

For horny heterosexual males everywhere, these may be the saddest words ever* spoken: “There is not a sex video of Kevin and Britney in existence.” So says Kevin Federline’s lawyer.

Stupid lawyers, always ruining everything.

*or at least the saddest words spoken since those NFL cheerleaders denied engaging in hot girl-on-girl action in a Tampa bar bathroom.

Who knows if this is actually true, but…

Superstar Britney Spears is facing a mega divorce payout because she did it again and again and again…on a honeymoon sex video.

Dumped husband Kevin Federline has been touting the four-hour tape for sale and has already been offered £26 million.

A film company wants to make it available online to fans around the world. …

Britney, 24, fears the raunchy footage will destroy her wholesome image unless she caves in to his demands for a £16million payoff and custody of their children Sean Preston, one, and Jayden James, eight weeks.

Her wholesome image? Heh.

In an article that’s currently linked on the CNN homepage, Britney Spears’s uber-loser husband, Kevin Federline, says: “If you want to hate me, cool, hate me.”

Well, that’s a relief… I’m glad to know we have K-Fed’s permission to hate him. I wonder, alternatively, are we allowed to not give a rat’s ass?

Hamdan, Shamdan. The really big news of the day is that Britney Spears posed naked — pregnant and black-haired — for the cover of a magazine!

Who needs serious, important debates about the Geneva Conventions and executive power in wartime when we can look at Britney’s boobies?

Seriously, my mental reaction upon seeing the headline on CNN’s homepage — “Britney Spears poses nude for cover” — was, literally, “HOLY CRAP!”

Fark.com has some more of the pictures, as well as some not-so-flattering commentary. (Personally, I think pregnant women are sexy, so the fat jokes don’t really do anything for me. … Well, okay, the picture of the manatee saying “Look at me! I’m an attention whore!” is pretty funny. But only because it’s Britney, not because she’s pregnant.)

Of course, you know what this means: Britney is officially one step closer to that Playboy shoot that every heterosexual male in this country has been hoping for since the …Baby One More Time video debuted in 1998 (though perhaps the hopes have become less fervent in the last couple of years). I predict it happens roughly 15 months from now, after Plan A (dumping K-Fed), Plan B (another weepy interview, this time with Barbara Walters instead of Matt Lauer), and Plan C (a torrid, well-publicized fling with Fabio) all fail to revive her career.

Incidentally — to tie this all together — I think it’s fair to say that Britney probably disagrees with the Hamdan decision, in light of her past statement that “I think we should just trust our president in every decision he makes and should just support that, you know, and be faithful in what happens.” Damn you, John Paul Stevens, why don’t you trust our president in every decision he makes?! WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA?! ;)

P.S. Speaking of attention whores, Paris Hilton has reportedly dumped Matt Leinart — either because she wants more “me time,” or because she’s got a new guy (or two or three), depending on who you believe. Apropos of which, the modifier “attention” in the segue to this paragraph was probably unnecessary.

P.P.S. If anyone is wondering, the title of this post is a reference to this earlier post.

Y’all remember this sculpture of a nude Britney Spears giving birth, created as a shameless publicity stunt “pro-life” statement by a New York artist?

Well, Britney has finally spoken out about it: “I think it’s the most hysterical thing I’ve ever seen in my life. My assistant and I were totally dumbfounded when we saw it. We couldn’t believe somebody actually did this.” She added that she did not believe the sculpture was “a serious attempt to display the beauty of birth,” according to the article’s paraphrase. And she has no interest in buying the sculpture: “No thanks. They can display it somewhere, but not in my beautiful home.”

Alas, she did not say what Fark jokingly claimed she said: “No way is my ass that big.” Heh.

In a related story, my previous post about this topic has not caused a notable increase in my website’s traffic due to skeevy search-engine searches. :) My number one search term at the moment is salmon helmet.

So says US Weekly.

Okay… there`s something very strange about watching Fred Barnes on Fox News at The Backer while listening to Britney Spears sing “I`m a slave for you.“ Heh.

This story strikes me as extremely odd, but I’m sure some of y’all will have something to say about it. So, have at it. More here.

Besides, having a post with the title “Britney Spears nude” is sure to bring in some additional web traffic. :) Just to make for more unique search possibilities, perhaps I should mention Jenna Jameson, too. (Link SFW — it actually goes to a fairly interesting, Arizona-related news story. Background info here and here. The first background link includes the following quote from Jameson: “There is never anything tawdry or seedy about anything I do.” Heh.)

There, that oughta produce some serious search engine hits. :)

UPDATE: Follow-up post here.

Britney Spears is a mom, according to Us Weekly:

It’s a boy! Us Weekly is the first media outlet in the world to report that Britney Spears gave birth shortly before 1 p.m. Wednesday at Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center, according to hospital sources. Us was there as Spears, 23, and husband/aspiring rapper Kevin Federline, 27, arrived at the hospital with a police escort shortly before 6 a.m. and medical staff whisked Spears into a birthing suite. According to hospital sources, Spears was wheeled into a delivery room about 12:15 p.m. and within minutes the first-time mother had delivered via C-section with Federline by her side. (A rep for Spears had no comment.)

As reported in the Us cover story now on newsstands, Spears experienced early labor contractions on Sept. 9 and then spent the next several days in much physical discomfort. ”Pregnancy has not agreed with her,” a Spears pal told Us. ”She has been sick a lot…. She couldn’t get out of bed all weekend.”

Although the couple has not yet legally named the baby boy, sources tell the magazine they had planned to name the child Preston Michael Spears Federline. The child is Federline’s third (he has two children, Kori, 3, and Kaleb, 1, with ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson).

Sources tell Us that Spears plans to return to her $7 million Malibu mansion with her newborn within the next few days. In the October issue of Elle, Spears said she looked forward to motherhood, proclaiming, ”I’m gonna be a hot mom!”

Yes you are, Britney… yes you are.

P.S. For those new readers who are wondering why news about Britney Spears gets a spot on my homepage, one reason is because my fiancee’s Master’s thesis was about Britney. (She passed with flying colors, of course.)

Britney Spears is safe. :)

Yet another invasion of privacy which should be condemned vociferously:

Is that a glass of orange juice that Mrs. Federline is drinking… or a screwdriver? I’d give her the benefit of the doubt, but look at this. Hmm…

Pics via Just Jared, from Britney Spears’s boat party and baby shower. (WARNING: Both of the above links are SFW so far as I can tell, but not everything on Just Jared’s site is.) Hat tip: Ohnotheydidn’t, via Defamer.

Britney’s baby shower is also the event at which photographer Brad Diaz was shot with a BB gun (here’s a picture of him). This has apparently led to a debate in Malibu:

Saturday’s BB gun attack against a paparazzi trying to get a photo of Britney Spears at a Malibu baby shower has touched off an interesting debate among residents of The ‘Bu. What degree of celebrity retaliation against people trying to take their picture is acceptable? Is it OK to shoot a paparazzi? If yes, what’s the maximum caliber of the firearm? If no, OMG, did you see how huge Britney is?

Heh.

For what it’s worth, Britney’s camp denies having anything to do with Diaz getting shot. But Diaz apparently plans to sue.

Man, how many vices of American culture can I possibly cram into one post? Blatant disregard for the privacy of famous people… lurid, voyueristic fascination with celebrities’ lives… possible alcohol abuse by expectant mothers*… the trigger-happy gun culture… the lack of personal responsibility… and to top it all off, rampant litigousness!!!

*I said “possible.” I don’t have any personal knowledge one way or the other. But, I certainly don’t have actual knowledge to the contrary, and I’m not acting with reckless disregard for the truth; I mean, it does look like an alcoholic beverage. Your Honor, this defamation suit is without merit… whoops, getting ahead of myself there… :)

A photographer was shot with a pellet gun outside Britney Spears’s home in Malibu last night. It’s not clear by whom.

I’m watching the Britney Spears reality show on UPN (because Becky wanted to watch it, and I’m too lazy to get off the couch and away from the TV)… and let me tell you, I can almost feel my brain shrinking.

It’s official: Britney Spears is pregnant! (Hat tip: Andrew.)

UPDATE: You can send Britney and Kevin your best wishes here.