Paula Abdul, alcoholic terrorist? Heh.

Paula Abdul will stay on American Idol after a Fox investigation concluded that she did not have sexual relations with that man, Corey Clark.* Well, thank goodness. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been losing lots of sleep over Paula Abdul’s fate. We can now return to our normal lives and stop worrying about poor Paula. :)

*Or at least, the investigation concluded that there wasn’t sufficient corroborating evidence that she had sexual relations with him. After all, under the Constitution, she’s innocent until proven skanky. (I believe Thomas Jefferson wrote that provision.)

American Idol runner-up Bo Bice (a.k.a. “Bo Brice“) got married earlier this month.

As noted below, I got a little side-tracked from my plan to post a lunch-break update this afternoon. Here are some of the things I would have blogged about:

• France to attempt nuclear fusion; surrender expected imminently. (Hat tip: Mike.)




• New York legislator sends out email calling constituents “idiots,” then sends out second email apologizing. Which one do you think was more genuine? :)




• Tom Cruise doesn’t believe in chemical imbalances (even though he appears to have one), but he does believe in aliens. [Hey, wait a minute… that could also explain it… -ed.]




• New York officials announce new design for WTC “Freedom Tower”; security-proofed to be the “safest skyscraper in the world.”




• Civil War historian Shelby Foote, made famous by Ken Burns’s PBS The Civil War series (which is something of a cult classic in the Loomer-Loy household), has died at age 88. Mary Chestnut could not be reached for comment.




• Super Bowl Champion Vladimir Putin? (Fark headline: “So this is how World War III begins, with the Russian President stealing a Super Bowl ring, just as the oracle had fortold.”)




• Tropical Storm Bret hits Mexico.




• Heat wave bakes Illinois, Indiana.




• Shark washes up on beach in New York City. Jets unable to be reached for comment.




• Utah’s Andrew Bogut goes #1 in the NBA Draft, making Utah the first school ever to have top picks in both the NBA and NFL drafts in the same year. (Fark headline: “School celebrates by planning on losing to University of Kentucky next NCAA tourney.”)




• Supreme Court to decide abortion-protest case next term. (Hat tip: Briandot.)




• The Brits had nukes with them when they invaded the Faulklands in 1982. “Sovereignty, sir. Ours.”




• Worst American Idol contestant ever, William Hung, to collaborate on new album with Achy Breaky Heart singer Billy Ray Cyrus. (Fark headline: “Scientists fear collision of two self-parody media footnotes could create black hole of suckage so strong, it could destroy the universe.”)




• And, last but not least… Joe Loy has been called to appear for jury duty at New Britain Superior Court on August 19. A suggestion, Dad: if you want to avoid getting picked, just bring along a printout from pretty much any comment-thread on the blog and show it to the judge. :)

Okay, that’s it. But be honest: who got the Sharks/Jets reference and double entendre?