Although I am not much of a supporter of Michael Moore’s, I must admit that he has something quite interesting to say in his most recent book, Dude, Where’s My Country?. Let me remind everyone that I bring this forth only as a quote that may place monkeys in Iraq (two things BrendanLoy.com is extremely interested in… I mean, where else can you find so many posts about monkeys and Iraq?).

Let me reiterate: I do not love everything Moore has to say. However, I certainly would like to post this:

And while Morocco also was short on military assistance [in the Iraq War], they did offer to send 2,000 monkeys to help detonate land mines in Iraq. But they didn’t and, if you don’t cough up the monkeys, you don’t get to reap the benefits of being a member of the Coalition of the Willing. Anyways, the Coalition of the Willing doesn’t need monkeys when it’s already got a more advanced simian leading it.

(Note the plug that Bush is a simian!)

So it’s only fair that I should be going to the West Coast. OK, so I’ll be a little farther west than Brendan usually is. I’ll be in San Diego for the next week or so, so if anyone is looking for me or if anyone misses my usual liberal rants, I’m sorry, Mr. Loy, fellow guest-bloggers, and other frequent visitors . . . You won’t have Josh to scream at for the next week. Here are a list of things to talk about in my absence:

1. Monkeys. This is Brendan’s website. You have to talk about monkeys every now and then.
2. The peanut is neither a pea nor a nut.
3. The Red Sox will take over first place in the AL East at some point in the near future.

OK, so the list is relatively short. Enjoy the Republican Convention; I’ll be as far away as I can get while still remaining in the lower 48 states. (Of course, I’m sure someone will tell me that San Diego is not the farthest from the Republican Convention one can travel within the lower 48 states, but to heck with you . . . I’ll still be pretty darned far away).

And just my guess about the convention: They’re going to nominate Bush again. And Cheney for Veep. See how stupid and predictable these nominating conventions have become?

Today, Capitol Hill and parts of Foggy Bottom have been shut down to most liberties, including the right to privacy. Cars are being searched, and armed Capitol Police officers have the right to remove anything they deem as dangerous.

Apparently, this does not even count as “unreasonable search and seizure,” as protected by the US Constitution. The theory that the Courts have handed down is that by simply being in these areas, we have consented to these searches.

Congresswoman (er, Delegate . . . I keep forgetting that Congress isn’t being nice and won’t let DC have a vote . . .) Elenor Holmes-Norton is rightly upset, calling the decisions “arrogant” and “mind-boggling.” Closing some of the main traffic arteries in the District has slowed things down to a halt.

I have an appointment on Capitol Hill later on today (hopefully one which will help land me a job). I’ll let everyone know exactly how repressive things are getting.

In the meantime, I only have one thing to say:

The terrorists are likely not stupid enough to go through with the attacks at any time this week. At least not against the Hill, IMF/World Bank buildings, or any target in New York. Think about it. They know they’ve been found out. They know that security will be tight. They won’t be so stupid as to actually try to go through with the attacks in DC or NY (at least at those specific locations). Yet there are only some parts of downtown with increased security.

Not that I really want to be hand-searched when I step off the Metro in a few hours, but you still have to wonder at how much the Administration seems to be underestimating the terrorists’ mental abilities.

If America is going to be subjected to these unreasonable searches, we should certainly focus on what’s important . . . like arresting women who eat candy bars in Metro stations.

UPDATE

Yeah, so I took the Metro downtown . . . I’m not stupid enough (or rich enough) to try parking downtown. But what I could gather is this: A few cops at the so-called “access points” stopping cars, just as was promised. It all seemed like a serious waste of manpower, since DC does have one of the highest crime rates in the country . . . but we won’t talk about that.

My fellow citizens of the world, our newly-adopted Constitution has been put in place, and our future has been laid out before us. We must remember, however, that the future will not be easy. We still have many obstacles before us.

Our recent battles with the Mutant Shoe invasion has shown us that we must stand united. We can no longer remain divided amongst ourselves.

That is why I am pleased to announce that a local insurance-turned-pirate organization, the Crimson Assurance, will be on permanent patrol of the world, and anyone who dissents with our public policy will be shot. Questions will be asked later. This is to make sure we remain firm in our unity and firm in our opposition to the libertarian mutant shoe threat.

I hereby make the following presidential decrees:

1. Everyone must agree with me, or else you are un-Earthlike.
2. Everyone will be given one flag from the moment they are born. They must wrap themselves in it from that moment; any criticism of that person will be considered a criticism of the flag and thereby of the world government. The Crimson Assurance will then step in and liquidate all involved.
3. Any criticism of the government will brand you a Mutant Shoe and will be dealt with in the same manner as the Mutant Shoes are dealt.
4. You must all chop down the mightiest tree in the forest with . . . a herring!
5. To make a second mention to the Constitution, I must remind you all of Article XV: there is to be no criticism of President Rubin (his policies, his person, or his breath) in a blog.
6. For you, my fellow citizens, I pledge that during my tenure in office, that every time you pass Go, you collect five hundred dollars. Who can really live on two hundred dollars these days? There are two Earths: One where you get a thousand dollars for passing Go and one where you only get two hundred. I pledge that those who get a thousand dollars for passing go will henceforth be required to pay 25% or five hundred dollars when they land on Income Tax and they will also be required to pay a hundred fifty dollars when they land on Luxury Tax. We must bridge the gap between rich and poor.

My fellow citizens of Earth, our future will be hard, but we can do this together.

That is why I’m going to tell you to keep visiting BrendanLoy.com. We must remain united because “The Shoes are on their way!”

Furthermore, I would like to remind you all that Vice President (and Founder) Brendan Loy and Secretary of State for Religion and Governance (and Second Founder) Sean Vivier will be in charge during my absence. Barring their availability (should a Shoe take them out), I will give you a topic to discuss: the Holy Roman Empire was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an empire.

But remain ever-vigilant, my citizens, for the Shoes are on their way!

Thank you. Good night, and may the Great Bird of the Galaxy bless us all!

I just realized no one has ever preached the benefits of the Bush or Chimp website, so I figured I’d let everyone in on what the Republicans don’t want you to know . . . Bush is nothing more than a chimpanzee!

Sadly, the Boston Red Sox’s All-Star and much beloved shortstop, Nomar Garciaparra–a.k.a. “Nomah” to the Boston faithful–has been traded to the Chicago Cubs as part of a multi-team deal. In return, the Red Sox get two former Gold Glove winners, shortstop Orlando Cabrera from the Montreal Expos and first baseman Doug Mientkiewicz (pronounced min-KAY-vich) from the Minnesota Twins.

As a die-hard Sox fan, it is difficult to watch the heart and soul of the Boston team make the trip to the Cubbies, even though the two teams aren’t even in the same league, let alone in contention for anything at this point in the season. Heck, if the Cubs and Red Sox made it to the World Series at the same time, I think Hell would freeze over (neither team has won a World Series since before 1920).

This set of trades sent Alex Gonzalez and a set of minor leaguers from the Cubs to Montreal. Minnesota received a few prospects as well, as did the Cubs. Cash was also passed around.

Nomar had reportedly been unhappy at the prospect of remaining with the Sox, since they had tried to deal teammate Manny Ramirez in the off-season for the much-sought-after (and highly overpaid) shortstop Alex Rodriguez from the Texas Rangers (Garciaparra would have then likely been dealt elsewhere, possibly to the Colorado Rockies to free up the shortstop position on the Red Sox). Garciaparra’s contract is set to expire at the end of this season, so it remains up to the Cubs at this point to decide if they want to let Nomar sign elsewhere or if they will compete in re-signing him.

Several other big moves were also made at the last minute today, just before the 3:00 PM EDT trading deadline. I recommend going to Major League Baseball’s homepage for the latest on MLB trades.

However, the most important event to me (after Nomar’s trade, of course), is the non-trade of the Arizona Diamondbacks‘ ace, Randy Johnson, a.k.a. The Big Unit. Several teams, most notably the Boston Red Sox, the New York Yankees, the New York Mets, and (especially) the Los Angeles Dodgers were interested in acquiring Johnson, one of the most dominant pitchers in the game today. Johnson, although older than most major-leaguers–he’s 41–is still at the top of his game, and any team with playoff aspirations (which the Diamondbacks do not seem to have this season) would love to have him. Johnson decided that it would be best to stay where he is, however, and is reportedly not interested in any sort of trade.

But the damage has been done. All that’s left now is to see if the trade of Nomah brings a curse akin to the Curse of the Bambino.

Let me get this straight. Bush backed out of a nuclear arms control treaty?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t one of the published reasons we went to war in Iraq was because we suspected them of having nuclear (or at the very least biological or chemical) weapons?

The proposed treaty that “we” (I offset “we” in quotation marks, because I am not part of the Administration . . .) just backed out of was supposed to limit the production of enriched uranium and plutonium–the key ingredients of nuclear weapons. So basically, Bush is now telling us that the spread of nuclear weapons is not as much of a threat as we previously thought . . .

To quote the previously-cited article, “While declaring nonproliferation a priority, however, the administration has opposed other arms-control treaties that rely on inspection regimes.”

So can anyone explain this to me? Last time I checked, Bush wanted to prevent nuclear material from falling into the hands of our enemies (whoever they may be).

The Administration claims that the US backed out of the treaty because it would be “too costly” and “ineffective.”

Right. Like the war in Iraq isn’t costly and ineffective.

I was going to dissect his speech line by line, but i figure all of you are pretty damn sick of it. In case you’re not and would actually like to read it, I’ve put in a link here.

But here are my two cents anyway:

What did Kerry actually tell us?

1. He is an American
2. He loves the country
3. He hates Bush and what Bush has done for the country

Yeah, that’s really about it.

I do have to say that he came through with a few good sound bytes for the evening, though. And I’m not talking about the “Help is on the Way” bullsh*t, either.

But that’s all. Just like most political speeches, he spent about an hour talking. Which is good. Don’t get me wrong. And he made promises (finally). Promises are also good. But I have to admit, I am a bit cynical.

(And I’m new at this whole blogging thing, too. Hopefully my posts will get better with time)