In 1992, Pat Buchanan famously declared, in prime-time at the Republican National Convention, that “there is religious war going on in this country.” Buchanan’s firebrand speech so alienated moderate voters that it severely hurt George H.W. Bush’s re-election campaign. Not coincidentally, it was the last true moment of unscripted drama in the history of American national political conventions (well, unless you count the f***ing balloons failing to fall at the 2004 DNC). Ever since Buchanan’s speech, every damn thing has been so thoroughly vetted and scripted, conventions have becoming mind-numbingly dull.
But I’m going off on a tangent now. My point is this: Pat Buchanan was right. Or rather, he was ahead of his time. I’m telling you, there is a religious war going on in this country, and it’s time to make peace. This post is my humble attempt to propose a cease-fire in this escalating conflict.
I speak, of course, of the Ichthys War.
Anyone who pays attention to the back bumpers of the cars in front of them knows exactly what I’m talking about (though some may know the conflict by its alternative name: the War of the Jesus Fish). The conflict has been raging for years now, and it’s beginning to spiral out of control.
It all started with Christian drivers putting small metal ornamental representations of the Ichthys, a symbol of Jesus, on their car bumpers. That seemed innocent and inoffensive enough, kind of like Notre Dame fans putting the “ND” monogramn (or Leprechaun) on their cars… though in some cases, ND fans show more religiosity than those in the Ichthys crowd… but I digress.
But then, for some unknown reason (possibly related to a cloud of smug), certain drivers who believe in evolution felt the need to co-opt the Ichthys for their own purposes. These godless atheistic hedonists Darwinists rebutted the Ichthys — or “Jesus fish,” as they call it — with the Darwin fish:
It didn’t end there, of course. Next came a rebuttal to the rebuttal, showing a “TRUTH” fish eating the “DARWIN” fish. (I have yet to see a “BEAUTY” fish eating the “TRUTH” fish, though I think that would be fitting.) Or sometimes, it’s an Ichthys with “JESUS” inside (which, um, seems a bit redundant) eating the “DARWIN” fish. Other times, it’s just a regular old Ichthys doing the eating. Regardless, Darwin gets eaten, and those damn hippies are shown what’s what. Ornamentally speaking.
All of which is rather goofy and ridiculous and annoying in its own right. But recently, the whole thing has gotten totally out of hand. In the last month, I’ve seen…
• An Ichthys with the letters “IXOYE” inside, which is a mistranslation of the Greek “ΙΧΘΥΣ.”
• A “Darwin fish” with dog-like ears, and instead of “DARWIN” inside, it says “DOGWIN.”
• An Ichthys with the word “BUDDHA” inside.
…and several other variations that I don’t recall exactly, or that I couldn’t quite make out. There are a bunch out there, it seems, including the (admittedly rather amusing) “‘N CHIPS” fish.
Anyway, I’ve decided it’s high time someone tried to bring an end to this ridiculous conflict. So I hereby beseech all parties to listen to reason. Darwinists, the Ichthys is about Jesus; it has nothing to do with the Book of Genesis, so it has no relevance to the evolution-creation debate. Find your own damn symbol. Christians, the original Ichthys was fine, but putting “JESUS” (or a Greek mistranslation) inside it just makes you look silly, and having the Ichthys eat “DARWIN” is the car-ornament equivalent of “feeding the trolls.” It just encourages them!
As for everyone else… Buddhists (and members of other religions), again, get your own damn symbol! The Ichthys has nothing to do with Buddha. Put a little fat man on your bumpers or something, but leave the fish out of it, okay? And… uh… Dogwin? WTF??
Seriously. You all need to just stop.
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Categories: Religion, Misc. Funny Stuff
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July 1st, 2007 at 3:12:49 am
Can we please stop the ribbons, too?
July 1st, 2007 at 5:28:58 am
I took a political science class in undergrad and we did a study on the Darwin fish. Half the people in the survey believed that the Darwin fish was not a refutation or denial of Christ, but an integration of Christian and evolutionary beliefs.
July 1st, 2007 at 8:20:16 am
Oh, come on Brendan. I laughed when I saw a Dogwin fish. Does it make any sense? Absolutely not, but I think it’s funny.
July 1st, 2007 at 10:20:23 am
Fish with feet aside, I’ve always loved the “Somewhere in Texas, there’s a village missing an idiot” sticker.
July 1st, 2007 at 10:45:53 am
I’ve always loved the “Bush, protecting your ass whether you’re happy about it or not” sticker.
July 1st, 2007 at 11:04:36 am
You could also argue that since Christians are no longer using it as a secret symbol to identify themselves while evading Roman persecution, it no longer has use.
PS A stylized fish is a much better symbol for a religion than an instrument of death. But that’s just me.
July 1st, 2007 at 11:20:58 am
“Buddhists…Put a little fat man on your bumpers or something, but leave the fish out of it, okay?”
Okay but what Danny DeVito has to do with all this I’ll Never know.
I say everybody should just slap a Largemouth Bass sticker on their vehicles & Shut theirs. :>
July 1st, 2007 at 11:25:10 am
“But that’s just me.”
Sean, we know you’re a Blackbelt but that doesn’t make you just an Instrument of Death, you are Much more than that, don’t be so Modest. :)
July 1st, 2007 at 11:36:09 am
I have always been annoyed to no end by these types of automobiles. I like to call them “Message Mobiles.” I do not think I have ever seen a car like this that has a conservative leaning. (Hmmm….there is an idea). I haven’t determined if people do this to their cars because they think it is cool or if they are as annoying in real life as they are riding in their car.
When I am sitting at a stop light next one of these cars I want to say “Hey, we get it. You are smart.You are hip. You are cool. You understand this world the way that most people do not. You understand this country’s political system so well that you have to have it boiled down into single sentence quips that will fit on a 8×2 piece of sticky plastic. I mean what better way to display your wisdom and sensitivity to the status of our country but to plaster it all over your car. God, man, I wish I were as cool as you.”
July 1st, 2007 at 11:36:57 am
I’ve always understood the Darwin fish not as a symbol of evolutionists but of atheists. The latter are far more likely to pick and continue fights with Christians than mere Darwinists, whining “Help, I’m bein’ oppressed!” all the while.
I’m not partial to the “my opinion is the only correct one” routine whoever is offering it.
July 1st, 2007 at 11:45:06 am
There are plenty of conservative “message mobiles,” Jay, you just haven’t been in the right place to see one. My hometown is pretty balanced and you’ll see some of each. My least favorite type is the cars that have 15 ribbons plastered on them. I did see one car with a ribbon that made fun of all the other ribbons, which was highly amusing.
July 1st, 2007 at 11:53:56 am
They’re not very peace loving, these Christians. I keep walking up with a big white marker pen, or some tip-pex, and drawing in the eye on the fish symbols stuck to their cars - or if I can’t find one then I draw in my own fish symbol for them to mark. But when they seem me doing this they get angry for some reason and hit me! How am I supposed to spread the message of my secret persecuted Christian society if I get a black eye for it everytime? Huh!?
July 1st, 2007 at 12:07:07 pm
My favorite has to be the tools with “Free Tibet” stickers on their cars, but who aren’t for doing a damn thing that might actually free Tibet . . .
July 1st, 2007 at 12:18:07 pm
If I believed in evolution so much that I needed to declare my faith in the form of a satirical jab at the religious on the back of my car, well, I would have to just blow my brains out. This would be ironic, given that Darwinianism would likely frown on my self-destructive tendencies.
July 1st, 2007 at 12:24:57 pm
You stole my Jesus Fish!
-David Putty
I think the Dogwin fish is pretty damn funny, exactly because of the “WTF?” reaction it generates. It captures the silliness of the whole think quite well. My college sophomore roommate had what was at the time the first Darwin Fish I’d ever seen. He wasn’t trying to make an in-your-face atheistic/evolutionary point; rather he was just expressing how silly he thought the whole Jesus Fish thing was. And we do think your beliefs are silly. Sorry. You, on the other hand, think you’ve discovered some cosmic truth that we have missed. Tomayto, tomahto.
As a statement of epistemology, the Darwin fish is a bit muddled; true enough. But it’s funny and silly… the fish with the little feet. That’s the point.
July 1st, 2007 at 12:28:16 pm
ps. The we/you/your in the above wasn’t directed at any person in particular.
July 1st, 2007 at 12:41:43 pm
You could also argue that since Christians are no longer using it as a secret symbol to identify themselves while evading Roman persecution, it no longer has use.
Ok folks, Sean, with his deep understanding of Christian theology has spoken, clearly the fish, despite the underlying meaning and theological significance behind it, isn’t being used for one reason it was originally intended so we should throw it out completely and cede everything to the militant atheists so they can co-opt it for their own uses. Thanks for clearing that up!
PS A stylized fish is a much better symbol for a religion than an instrument of death. But that’s just me.
Which kinda underlies my sarcastic point above that you have very little understanding of Christian theology.
July 1st, 2007 at 1:39:08 pm
Speaking of bumper stickers . . .
July 1st, 2007 at 6:01:12 pm
Sharpton’s ride the donkey speech was unscripted and great. I once stole a girl’s jesus fish because she was inside having casual sex. I decided to aid her in becoming less of a hypocrite. It was a juvenile move but I was a juvenile and her revenge of removing the ford symbol from my car was also an aptly juvenile response.
July 1st, 2007 at 6:15:25 pm
The only religiously themed bumper sticker that has ever triggered an honest laugh from me was a bright yellow background with small black letters saying “Are you following Jesus this close?”
July 1st, 2007 at 6:59:32 pm
“My favorite has to be the tools with “Free Tibet” stickers on their cars, but who aren’t for doing a damn thing that might actually free Tibet . . .”
It’s quite logical, actually. The hope is that by driving the bumper-stickered car, one increases American fuel dependence. American fuel dependence empowers Middle-Eastern regimes. An empowered Middle-Eastern regime is more likely to annex India. Annexation of India leads to war with China. War with China is a necessary condition for annexation of China. And the annexation of China is the most likely way to free Tibet.
July 1st, 2007 at 10:37:12 pm
This reminds me of one of my favorite scenes from “Talladega Nights”
“This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love Fig Newtons. “
July 1st, 2007 at 11:37:56 pm
I understand Christian theology quite well, David. I used to believe it with every fiber of my being. Part of the reason that Christianity’s obsession with suffering and death disturbs me so. Luckily, most modern Christians I know like to skip that part and concentrate on Christ’s messages of peace and understanding.
My point about original symbolism was really just a way to point out that symbols change and grow, and getting mad at the Darwin fish is kinda pointless. If we have to lose the Darwin fish, then you have to lose the Devil’s horns stolen from Cernunnos, the Christmas tree, Eostre’s bird-turned-rabbit, the Saturnalian tradition of gift-giving, the Virgin of Guadelupe, the images of Mary so akin to Isis, the Mithraic communion, and much more.
July 1st, 2007 at 11:44:26 pm
Did I ever say anything about the Darwin fish Sean? No no i did not. I do think its dumb, not because it was co-opted but the REASON it was co-opted.
As for your understanding of Christian theology you have proven by claiming that Christianity is focused on suffering and death and that the reason we use the cross as our symbol is because of that that. It’s not focusing on death Sean, not by a long shot.
July 2nd, 2007 at 10:34:44 am
David, it is a simple matter of fact that the cross originated as an implement of death. There is not a functional way around that reality.
July 2nd, 2007 at 12:26:33 pm
Yes and clearly that means that it can only ever be used to represent death and we are focusing on death. Again you, like Sean show a profound lack of understanding about Christian theology. If you were actually interested in learning what Christians actually believe i’d be more than willing to discuss it with either of you. Somehow i doubt that millitant atheists are interested in such understanding. You two are so like the right wing fundies its hilarious.