LOS ANGELES, Nov. 8 — Residents of Los Angeles were confused and frightened Thursday when small particles of water began to fall from the sky, a phenomenon that experts described as “rain.”
The “rain” intensified during the night, raising the profoundly disturbing possibility that it will be wet outside in the morning. Officials predicted thousands of traffic accidents would result from the dangerous and unprecedented situation, and Gov. Gray Davis was reportedly considering declaring a state of emergency. (A decision was expected between his breakfast fund-raiser and his brunch fund-raiser Friday morning.)
Throughout the Southland, people reported getting wet Thursday. But officials sought to soothe concerned residents, assuring them the “rain” would not last forever. “Whatever this is, I’m sure it will be over soon,” said L.A. Mayor James Hahn.
In the Inland Empire, relieved officials reported that the bizarre conditions had not reached them. “It hasn’t crossed into our territory,” said Emperor William IV. “The Inland Empire remains safe.” He added that the imperial army is on call to combat any potential threats.
The San Fernando Valley was not so lucky, however. Valley Girls reported a 12 percent spike in bad-hair days, and that number was only expected to increase Friday. Several prominent Valley separatists expressed their belief that the “rain” is some sort of deliberate retribution by Mayor Hahn for the Valley’s failed attempt to secede from Los Angeles in Tuesday’s election. “It’s never happened before, this ‘rain’ thing,” said Valley “mayor” Keith Richman. “They’re obviously doing this to us on purpose.” He went on to lambaste L.A.’s city services, predicting that no one from City Hall would show up to help the Valley dry its streets for at least three days.
Meanwhile, Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Los Angeles) claimed the “rain” was part of an ongoing effort by President George W. Bush and the national Republican Party to disenfranchise black voters. Asked why such an effort would make sense two days after the election, Waters accused the questioner of being a racist and stormed off.