If you’ve been watching CNN or visiting its website lately, you could be excused for believing that every American will inevitably suffer one of two fates this summer: we’ll either be blown up by terrorists, or eaten by sharks.

However, CNN is giving us some calming news on at least one front: Al Qaeda did not attend the “terror summit” in Beirut, contrary to what ABC News said earlier. So maybe Osama isn’t really conspiring with Hamas and Hezbollah to wreak havoc at the Hello Deli. Then again, maybe he is. As Tom Ridge says, we must be “vigilant.” (What does that mean, anyway?)

Meanwhile, the Ashcroft Justice Department is actually suing someone over the 2000 election in Florida. And, in cola-related news, Coca-Cola is apparently racist, and some Iranian company is now selling “Islamic” Coke. (Does that mean Vanilla Coke is officially a drink for infidels?)