If you haven’t heard, the Rapture is coming on Saturday.
Specifically, the Rapture is coming at 6:00 PM local time on Saturday. (Apparently, God respects time zones!) So it’ll start in Kiribati and sweep westward across the globe, I guess. Some folks are planning Rapture Parties. Others are making contingency plans for their pets. (No, really.)
Meanwhile, those of us in the ranks of the Unsaved are getting ready for… nothing to happen. Or, just possibly, getting ready to witness the spectacle of our Saved compatriots being suddenly sucked up into the Great Fairy Story in the Sky, leaving us heathens here on Earth to deal first with the FlashForward-like aftermath of the Rapture itself, followed by the coming Apocalypse, presided over by President Hillary Clinton (c’mon, you know she’s arranged with God, or Satan if necessary, that Obama, Biden, Boehner and Inouye will all be Raptured).
Personally, I’m mostly just excited for the beer & broads party I’m going to throw on Sunday for my good tweet-friend Zach, a devout Mormon, who has agreed with my suggestion that, if the Rapture happens, thus disproving the tenets of his faith (Mormons don’t believe in the Rapture), it’s time to live it up.
Anyway, as you can tell, I’ve been having some fun with this on Twitter, as have many folks. For posterity — you know, so after the Rapture happens, I can remember how I foolishly made fun of it beforehand — I just thought I’d share a few of my tweets about it…
UPDATE: On a related note, Salon ponders scenarios in which Newt Gingrich can become the GOP nominee. Possibly the most plausible:
The Rapture does happen this weekend, but only Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels, Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, Chris Christie, and Jeb Bush ascend to heaven.
In this scenario, most of the GOP candidates and would-be candidates will be in the clouds with Jesus. Gingrich, a recent convert to Catholicism, probably takes an Amillennial view of Revelations, and will remain on Earth with the sinners. He’ll still have to defeat Tea Party favorite Herman Cain, who may or may not be a charming antichrist figure, but Gingrich will probably be able to take advantage of the fact that most Tea Party-affiliated Republican primary voters will have already raptured.
Heh. More of my Rapture tweets (including some new ones added Friday morning) after the jump.