Lord of the Rings

May 24

One Eurobond to Rule Them All

Thursday, May 24, 2012 at 9:38 am Mountain Time

With the news of Germany standing fast against “Eurobonds,” and the Eurozone crisis worsening as a result of the impasse, I posted this silly tweet last night:

Fear! Fire! Eurobonds! Awake! #PANIC

Political Math said he found this very funny, to which I replied with a faux-quote from Angela Merkel: “Let the little people blow.” This caused a brainstorm, as I suddenly realized there’s waaaay more material there. Lord of the Rings quotes are perfect for this situation! (And every situation, really. But particularly this one.) I immediately couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of this before. Anyway, the flood gates opened:

“Understand, François, I would use these eurobonds out of a desire to do good. But through me, they would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine.”

“One Bond to rule them all; One Bond to find them; One Bond to bring them all; and in the darkness bind them.”

“Give Greece the weapon of the bankers. Let us use it against them!”
“Greece cannot wield the Eurobond! None of us can.”

Merkel to Hollande: “I will not lead the Eurobond within a hundred leagues of your city.”

“I am the Servant of the Anti-Inflationary Fire, Wielder of the Flame of Weimar. Dark Eurobonds will not avail you, Flame of Udûn!”

European Council: “If you ask it of me, I will give you the right to issue the One Bond.”
Merkel: “You offer it to me freely? I do not deny that my heart has greatly desired this. In the place of a Council you would have a Queen! Not dark but beautiful and terrible as the Morn! Treacherous as the Seas! Stronger than the foundations of the Earth! All shall love me and despair! … I have passed the test. I will diminish, and go into the West, and remain Merkel.”

“Greece is demanding Eurobonds from the south, Spain from the west. And France, you say, has betrayed us. Our list of allies grows thin.”

I eventually broadened the joke to quotes more generally about the Euro situation, not necessarily Eurobond-related:

“I know what you saw, for it is also in my mind. It is what will come to pass if you should fail. The Eurozone is breaking. It has already begun.”

“We Germans cannot hold back this storm. We must weather such things as we have always done.”
“But you’re part of this world! Aren’t you?! You must help! Please!”

“The Euro cannot be destroyed by any craft that we here possess. It was made in the fires of Frankfurt. Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into the heart of the European Central Bank, and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came!”

And lastly, my personal favorite:

[Greece throws a few hundred billion euro down a hole.]
Germany: “Fool of a Greek! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!”

UPDATE: Brandon Minich chimes in with more good ones:

(Conversation in the 1990s)
“The European currencies are strong, my Lord. Their roots go deep.”
“Rip them all down!”

Hollande: “What is this new devilry?”
Merkel: “A Bank Run. A demon of the ancient world. This foe is beyond any of you. Run!”

Merkel: “My currency is spent. My chancellorship has ended. Greece has deserted us. ABANDON YOUR DEPOSITS! FLEE, FLEE FOR YOUR CURRENCIES!”

“The Euro is burning…already burning.”
“It’s not dead! It’s not dead!”
“Farewell, Hollande. Go now and die in what way seems best to you.”

Heh! #nerds


“A great bank run, you say?”
“All Barcelona is emptied.”
“How many?”
“Ten thousand strong at least.”
“Ten thousand?!”
“It is a bank run bred for a single purpose: to destroy the Eurozone. The banks will be insolvent by nightfall.”

“I will not risk open #PANIC.”
“Open #PANIC is upon you, whether you would risk it or not.”

“A red sun rises. Red ink has been spilled this night.”

Panagiotis Pikrammenos: “Go back to the abyss! Fall into the nothingness that awaits you and your fellow lefties!”
Alexis Tsipras: “Do you not know death when you see it? This is my hour!”

“Arise, Voters of Syriza! Spears shall be shaken, shields shall be splintered! A sword day… a red day… ere the sun rises! DEATH!! DEATH!!!”

France to Netherlands re: opposition to eurobonds: “How long has it been since Germany bought you? What was the promised price?”

“Angela… they cannot win this fight. They are all going to die!”
“Then I shall die as one of them!”

“Is there any hope, Angela, for Spain and Italy?”
“There never was much hope. Just a fool’s hope.”

“I’m… naked in the dark, with nothing, no veil… between me… and the € of fire! I can see it… with my waking eyes!”

“Sons of Germany, of France, my brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me! A day may come when the Euro fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of currency. But it is not this day! An hour of woes and shattered banks, when the unity of Europe comes crashing down! BUT IT IS NOT THIS DAY! This day we bail out Greece! Again!”

Merkel: “Forgive me. I mistook you for Sarkozy.”
Hollande: “I am Sarkozy. Or rather, Sarkozy as he should have been.”

UPDATE: Welcome, Instapundit readers! Thanks for the link, Glenn! ‘Tis my first Instalanche in a while.

To encourage discussion, I’ve temporarily disabled mandatory comment registration. Chat away!

(Regular readers, if you’re presently logged out, you can still log in here.)


“You did not seriously think that a small Mediterranean economy could contend with the will of the Bond Markets? There are none who can.”

“Smoke rises from the Acropolis of Doom. The hour grows late, and Hollande the Red rides to Berlin, seeking my counsel. For that is why you have come, is it not? My old friend.”

UPDATE: Uh-oh. We have crossover:

“I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of bondholders suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.”

UPDATE: Back to LOTR, with still more jokes, some from comments

“One does not simply walk out of the Eurozone. Its iron gates are guarded by more than central bankers. There are technocrats there who do not sleep. And the great € is ever watchful. Not with ten thousand drachma could you do this. It is folly.”

“The Greeks delved too greedily and too deep. You know what they awoke in the darkness of the Bundesbank.”

“The Euro stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little, and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains while Germany is true.”

“I think you should leave the Euro behind, Greece. Is that so hard?”
“Well, no. … And yes. Now it comes to it, I don’t feel like parting with it. It’s mine, I found it. It came to me!”
“There’s no need to get angry.”
“Well, if I’m angry, it’s your fault! It’s mine… my own… my precious…”
“Precious? It’s been called that before, but not by you.”
“What business is it of yours what I do with my own currency?”
“I think you’ve had the Euro quite long enough.”

“We swears we will enact austerity measures! We swears to serve the master of the Euro. We will swear on… on… the Euro!”

Or, if we make the drachma, instead of the Euro, the “precious”…

“We wants the drachma back. We needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little Eurocrats. Wicked, tricksy, false!”


“Strangers from distant lands, friends of old, you have been summoned to answer the threat of debt. Europe stands upon the brink of destruction. You will unite or you will fall. Each nation is bound to this fate, this one doom. Bring forth the Euro.”

“I owe nothing.”
“Indeed. I can avoid paying my debts for a while if I wish, but to make them disappear entirely, that is a rare gift.”

“They were nations once. Great nations. Then Germany the deceiver gave them Euros of power. Blinded by their greed, they took them without question — one by one, falling into darkness. They are the Euro-gûl. Nation-wraiths, neither living nor dead.”

“I’ve put this off far too long … I regret to announce that this is the end! I am going now. Goodbye!” [slips drachma on finger, vanishes]

Dec 22

Christmas comes three days early

Thursday, December 22, 2011 at 2:59 pm Mountain Time


The arm of Matt Barkley shall throw in the Coliseum — one last time. FELL DEEDS AWAKE! Now for wrath, now for ruin, and a cardinal dawn!


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Dec 21


Wednesday, December 21, 2011 at 12:35 am Mountain Time

The official trailer for The Hobbit debuted today. OMG OMG OMG:

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May 12

Heads must roll!

Thursday, May 12, 2011 at 12:57 pm Mountain Time

The New York Times issues the nerdiest correction ever. LOL! (Hat tip: dcl.)

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Apr 14


Thursday, April 14, 2011 at 9:13 pm Mountain Time

A behind-the-scenes look at the start of filming on The Hobbit:

(Hat tip: Patrick, who wrote, “This video almost made me cry. I am such a nerd.”)

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Apr 11

We are John Galt, my precious

Monday, April 11, 2011 at 9:43 pm Mountain Time

I’ve never read Atlas Shrugged, so I don’t have a dog in the fight that this quote may create — I just think it’s funny:

There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.


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Jun 21

What’s more annoying than a vuvuzela?

Monday, June 21, 2010 at 12:03 pm Mountain Time

NPR’s Wait Wait, Don’t Tell Me! has the answer. Fast forward to 5:50 in the clip below, then “wait wait” for the punch line at around the 7:10 mark.

Heh. I’m not always a huge fan of Wait Wait, but that one made me laugh out loud in my car yesterday.

UPDATE: And, speaking of vuvuzelas, here’s the trailer for Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Vuvuzela:

And of course, the obligatory Hitler video:

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Jun 15

Summary of Monday’s expansion events

Tuesday, June 15, 2010 at 11:40 am Mountain Time

Commissioner Dan Beebe to Big 12 athletic directors: “Hold your ground, hold your ground! Sons of Texas, of Oklahoma, my brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the Big Twelve fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship. But it is not this day! An hour of woes and shattered schedules, when our marriage of convenience comes crashing down! But it is not this day!! This day we fight!! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you stand, Men of the Midwest!!!”

[Bumped. -ed. … Original timestamp 8:52 PM Monday.]

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Jun 09

So say rumors on the Internets.

(Hat tip on the LOTR reference: B. Minich.)

P.S. To review why Nebraska’s departure will trigger the epic realignment apocalypse, click here.

P.P.S. How about some other Lord of the Rings quotes to sum up various players’ positions in this whole mess?

Big East: “Are you frightened?”
Big 12: “Yes.”
Big East: “Not nearly frightened enough. I know what hunts you.”

Nebraska: “Against the power that now rises in the Midwest, there can be no victory. We must join with them. We must join the Big Numerically Challenged.”
Kansas: “Tell me, ‘friend,’ when did Cornhusker the Wise abandon reason for madness?”

Texas, Texas A&M, and Texas Tech, pondering Baylor’s future: “It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing. Such a little thing.”

Kansas State: “They have taken the Big 12 South, and Colorado. We cannot get out. Drums, drums in the deep. … They are coming.”

Iowa State: “Nobody tosses a dwarf!”

More after the jump.

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Jun 07

Mental health break, LOTR edition

Monday, June 7, 2010 at 11:08 pm Mountain Time

Apropos of nothing: I got to thinking, the other day, about my favorite consecutive movie scenes in all of cinema: the Gandalf/Witch-King confrontation at the gates of Minas Tirith, followed immediately by the very best scene in the Lord of the Rings trilogy: the charge of the Rohirrim. (The Gandalf/Witch-King scene was inexplicably cut from the theatrical edition of Return of the King — clearly Peter Jackson’s greatest error, IMHO — but is, of course, included in the Extended Edition.)

Anyway, I didn’t really feel like getting out the DVD just to watch those two scenes. But, YouTube to the rescue!! I couldn’t find a good quality video of both scenes together, but here’s the first part…

… and here’s the second part, the utterly epic, goosebump-giving Rohirrim charge, which I can’t embed because “embedding is disabled by request.” But regardless: So. Awesome. (Rohan clip is in HD. Looks great in full-screen mode.)

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Nov 17

Buffalo Bills fire Dark Lord Jauron

Tuesday, November 17, 2009 at 11:08 pm Mountain Time

But Gandalf Ralph Wilson lifted up his arms and called once more in a clear voice: “Stand, Men of the West[ern New York]! Stand and wait! This is the hour of doom. … The realm of Jauron is ended!

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Sep 24


Thursday, September 24, 2009 at 12:39 pm Mountain Time

sean bean

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Jul 10

As a Tolkien nut, but a relative non-“purist” when it comes to Peter Jackson’s brilliant movies, I’ve always felt that The Fellowship of the Ring is the best adaptation out of the three films, whereas The Return of the King is the best movie on its own merits. And to that I hold. But, re-watching the first half of Fellowship with Becky the last two nights (in an effort to scare the baby into being born!), I found myself thinking of the movie — or, more precisely, the movie-as-adaptation — in a slightly different way: imagining myself as an anxious fanboy going to see the first LOTR film for the first time, wondering what it will be like — and being overwhelmed with glee at the result, particularly in the first 30 minutes or so.

I have to “imagine” this because, believe it or not, I was not really a “fanboy” when I went to see Fellowship for the first time in 2001. I hadn’t read the books in years, and although Tolkien references were deeply subsumed into my family’s internal lore and lexicon — for instance, we would routinely refer to barren-looking vistas as “Mordorish”; we used “Balrog” as a verb, meaning roughly “to bother”; my Dad and I used to play the “You cannot pass!” game frequently when we would cross a bridge on foot; etc., etc. — I hadn’t really given the actual books, the source materials for all this inside-baseball family nonsense, much thought in ages. Indeed, to give you an idea how much my little-kid Tolkien fandom had fallen by the wayside, I actually didn’t remember at first, when we went to see FOTR in the theater, that Saruman was evil!

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