By Brendan Loy
Well, okay, that title is not actually true at all. But a few minutes ago, inspiration struck on Twitter, as I tried to find a way to merge my “the SEC: it’s a WAR!!!” meme with the hashtag craze of the moment, #RejectedReindeerNames (a rather stupid craze, although I thought my “Wolf Blitzen” entry was fairly good). Anyway, after trying and failing to come up with a good SEC-related rejected reindeer name, I suddenly broke into song instead. Brandon Minich quickly joined in, and by the time we were done, we’d come up with this collaborative effort:
You know Big 12 and Big East and Big Ten and Pac-10
A-C-C, WAC, MAC and Sun Belt and Mountain
But do you recall…
The most warlike conference of all?
SEC the puffed up conference / Had a very big ego
And if you ever heard them / You’d be sure to say “no mo”
All of the other conferences / Used to laugh and call them names
They wouldn’t let poor Auburn / Play ‘SC in the title game
Then with fuzzy math one eve / The BCS came to say
Florida with your sun so bright / Play Ohio State tonight!
Four titles later, the love-fest / Lavished on the SEC:
“You’re such a warlike conference / You’ll go down in history!”
It’s not my best work, admittedly, but I like it. But alas, I’m afraid Kyle Kensing has Brandon & me both beat with his one-line suggestion: “Then one foggy Christmas Eve / Cecil came to say / If you pay my son just right / He’ll win you a title tonight!” LOL!
By Brendan Loy
For those who missed it (a group that includes me), here is the video of yesterday’s 71-yard kickoff return by 315-pound Patriots offensive lineman Dan Connolly, the longest kick return ever by an NFL offensive lineman and, according to the AP’s Ralph D. Russo, “without hesitation or qualifier…[the] greatest fat guy kick return in NFL history.”
Connolly didn’t quite manage to run it in for a touchdown — he was stopped inside the 5 — which is too bad. But the Patriots did punch it in three plays later, and won 31-27, so Connolly’s run was certainly a difference-maker in the game. Meanwhile, I suppose he left a little window for some other fat guy to come along and get a 70+ yard touchdown return. Hail to Thee, Fat Person!
By Brendan Loy
Deadspin’s list of 10 Things That Christmas Would Be Better Off Without (warning: profanity!) is very, very wrong — for instance, #1 is Jesus — but also very funny in parts. My favorite is number 3:
Christmas Cards That Do Not Include An Awkward Family Photo
The only reason to send me a Christmas card is so I can look at your family and pick apart each member’s looks one by one. Did you get fat? Why is your child wearing that john-john? Are you really that much of a snobby prick? Is that your living room? Looks like it was designed by a blind heterosexual. This is Christmas. It’s my season to JUDGE YOU. Don’t send me some Christmas card that has no picture in it. You may as well be sending me a FiOs direct mail piece. Into the fireplace with it. AND NO PICTURES OF JUST YOUR DOG. If there’s anything people care about less than your kids, it’s your stupid f***ing dog.
LOL! Also, number 6:
Gawker proper has always railed against magazine gift guides featuring products you can’t possibly afford. And yet, they continue to thrive, even multiply. “Hey! Your Dad would love this $800 turntable that converts all his vinyl records to mp3s!” That’s true. You know what else Dad would love? A F***ING HELICOPTER. A f***ing $30 million Huey helicopter with f***ing double missiles on each side and a special cloaking device. And the Raiders! He would love the Oakland Raiders, and he’d also love a hovering sail barge, and this special Vuitton-designed Kindle carrying case that costs more than the original product! All perfectly realistic. F*** YOU AND DIE.
Heh. As for the “Dora the Explorer version of ['A Christmas Carol'] with Swiper the Fox standing in for Scrooge,” I haven’t seen it yet, but I suspect it’s in my future. #PANIC!
By Brendan Loy
There’s a total lunar eclipse tonight, visible in its entirety throughout the U.S. Here’s a complete timetable of eclipse events. Below are the key times, in Mountain Standard Time. (Add 2 hours for Eastern Time, add 1 for Central, or subtract 1 for Pacific.)
11:33 PM: Partial eclipse starts (first “bite” of the dark umbral shadow appears)
12:41 AM: Totality starts (Moon completely covered by Earth’s umbral shadow)
1:18 AM: Mid-totality
1:53 AM: Totality ends
3:01 AM: Partial eclipse ends
Much has been made of this being a “winter solstice eclipse,” but that’s only true in the sense that they occur on the same calendar day — not simultaneously. The solstice isn’t until 4:28 PM tomorrow, more than 13 hours after the eclipse ends.
P.S. Having said that… could a Winter Solstice / Eclipse Day also be the day when UConn’s 88-game winning streak finally ends? Hmm… yeah, probably not.
By Tim Stevens
Friendly’s currently offers a menu item called “Bacon Cheeseburger Soup.” Again, that is Bacon Cheeseburger Soup.