When a blogger writes a brilliant piece of absurd comedy that exquisitely melds together two of my great passions in life — USC football and The Lord of the Rings — it’s worth breaking moratorium for. :) Excerpt:

The tide was turned…when the Texas Longhorns - led by Vince Young, the captain of the Burnt Orange Host - defeated the Trojans at the Battle of the Arroyo Seco on January 4, 2006. The key moment of the struggle came when USC running back Reggie Bush - the chosen instrument of the Dark Lord Carroll’s wrath - inexplicably chose to lateral the One Ring to, of all people, walk-on wide receiver Brad Walker. Walker, like the millions of people watching the telecast live and the tens of thousands present for the climactic battle, was completely surprised and thus fumbled the Ring away.

A reenactment of Bush’s lateral.

On the ensuing possession Young stumbled upon the One Ring and, his powers amplified by the unspeakably powerful artifact, began hurdling Trojan defenders and tossing aside anyone wearing a cardinal and gold jersey. The Longhorns won 41-38, derailing Carroll’s plans to “cover all the lands with a second darkness,” according to [prolific college football announcer and official historian of Rivendell Keith] Jackson.

In the aftermath of Texas’ victory celebration, head coach Mack Brown and Young argued over what should be done with the One Ring. According to witnesses, the two could not come to any agreement over a course of action.

“It is a gift. A gift to the foes of Southern California. Why not use this Ring? Long has my daddy, Bob Stoops of Oklahoma, kept the forces of USC at bay… mainly by sacrificing himself to the tune of 55-19 to their howling hordes. By the blood of his people are our lands kept safe. Give Texas the weapon of the Enemy. Let us use it against him!” Brown reportedly pleaded to his quarterback.

“But coach, it’s shiny! I wanna use it for an earring,” Young retorted.

ROFL! Seriously, read the whole thing.

And now, back to the fiery Gilbert’s FedCourts outline from whence I came…