Sarah’s mom sent along some more pictures, which I’ve added to the Other people’s pics of Sarah gallery. I particularly like this one, taken in September of last year, which coincidentally was the last time I communicated (via e-mail) with Sarah:
And this one is fun. More here.
Also, if you missed my previous post about it, here is Sarah’s brother’s touching tribute to his beloved sister. And there’s much more, of course, at the memorial page.
At the risk of overly baring my soul… it surprises me, I guess, how much I’m still hurting over this. I keep emphasizing how my grief is nothing compared to Sarah’s family and the friends she was still in close touch with, and that’s true. But at the same time, getting over the totally unexpected and tragic death of someone with whom you were once as close as I was to Sarah is definitely not easy. In some ways, having fallen out of touch makes it worse, because you’ve got regret compounding the grief. Not a fun combination.
Sometimes I close my eyes and I see her, smiling at me. This happened a lot on the plane ride to Phoenix — every time I’d close my eyes to try and sleep, Sarah was there. Other times, I still find myself having these momentary half-conscious thoughts about how somehow, someday, Sarah and I will share a good laugh over all the fuss everyone is making over her, when this whole thing blows over. When this whole thing blows over. Right. Every one of those thoughts leads to an immediate and painful snap back to reality, of course.
I’m not very “good at grieving,” if you will — this is a longstanding fact of my life — so the “grieving process” for me is really an endless back-and-forth between shock/denial and acceptance; I don’t really do any of those pesky intervening steps. Instead, I basically toggle between the two states. When the toggling gets less frequent, I’m doing “better,” and when the toggling stops, I’m okay again. So I guess that’s what happening with those half-conscious thoughts… toggling.
I also find that I can’t listen to happy or upbeat music — my heart isn’t ready for it. When I open my iTunes, I inevitably gravitate to Ars Musica recordings featuring Sarah, or to sad songs like James Taylor’s “Fire and Rain” and slow, mournful ballads like Sugarland’s “Stand Back Up.” Someday I’ll be able to listen to “Mississippi Girl” or “4th of July” or “Alcohol” (”…helpin’ white people dance”) again… someday soon, probably… but not yet, and that surprises me. I didn’t realize I’d be quite this heartbroken over this.
Honestly, what I wouldn’t give for a good cry. Alas, I haven’t cried once over this. I shook when I was paying my respects to Sarah’s body at the wake… I shook when I was singing “A Welsh Lullaby” to her at the funeral… I felt the beginnings of a tear in my eye a few times during her brother’s eulogy… but a good cry? Nowhere to be found. I never cry over anything. Becky has seen me cry exactly once in the entire time we’ve been together, and that was over a breakup, not a death. Aside from that, I can only recall crying one other time in the last six years (I was with my parents on that occasion), and that was over something really stupid. When it comes to the really big stuff, like death and grieving, I unintentionally bottle up my emotions, intellectualize them, and express them in forums like this… which does help, but not as much, I think, as it would help to just sit down and cry. But for some reason, that just doesn’t seem to be in the cards. Argh.
I’m not sure how to conclude this post, except to repeat what I said a few days ago in a post that got unexpectedly Instalanched: I miss you, Sarah.
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Categories: Sarah LeFoll
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September 27th, 2005 at 3:29:55 am
A little off topic but does Brendan have an emial or contact? I cant find it on this site. Any help would be great full!
September 27th, 2005 at 3:31:09 am
Amen, Brendan, amen
September 27th, 2005 at 3:31:43 am
you can send him mail at tips@brendanloy.com
September 27th, 2005 at 4:38:05 am
Thanks!
September 27th, 2005 at 6:14:03 am
Brendan, we all grieve in our own way. Sarah was someone special in your life, even if you hadn’t been good at keeping in touch with her. Don’t expect to get over this immediately… Quite likely there will be a part of you that will never stop grieving. Don’t beat yourself up over it because you weren’t as close to her as you might have liked, and certainly don’t beat yourself up because you feel there are people who deserve to mourn more. The point is, you’re mourning, and that’s enough.
September 27th, 2005 at 8:21:51 am
What you are experiencing, and doing is completely normal. Losing someone in the way Sarah was lost makes the grieving process even more complicated. You are remembering the good things which will help, but know that even those who were very close to her were not able to help. The fact that you do not cry does not make your grief any lesss real. Time should take the edge off- but if your sadness seems out of place, or lingering too long, you may need to talk to someone. Know that you are loved…
September 27th, 2005 at 8:55:42 am
I would highly recommend reading C.S. Lewis’ book, A Grief Observed, which he wrote about the death of his wife. It is his very personal account of his feelings and thoughts as he mourned and I’ve found that it is very helpful to those who are mourning in ways that none of us can understand.
September 27th, 2005 at 9:21:03 am
Brendan,
I would suggest some serious reflection. Perhaps a daylong or weekend retreat (when USC is on a bye week, of course ;>), many of which are available thru Campus Ministry. It’s a good idea to do this type of self-reflection periodically, anyway. Might be a better idea to do so in a time of need. It might help you to get in touch with your own feelings and do some soul searching regarding why you feel the way you do and why you express grief the way you do.
In situations like this, it is always better to examine oneself, rather than attempting to regurgitate the feelings of others, such as C.S. Lewis. His grief and yours are separate and distinct, for obvious reasons. Good luck.
September 27th, 2005 at 9:21:03 am
Brendan,
I would suggest some serious reflection. Perhaps a daylong or weekend retreat (when USC is on a bye week, of course ;>), many of which are available thru Campus Ministry. It’s a good idea to do this type of self-reflection periodically, anyway. Might be a better idea to do so in a time of need. It might help you to get in touch with your own feelings and do some soul searching regarding why you feel the way you do and why you express grief the way you do.
In situations like this, it is always better to examine oneself, rather than attempting to regurgitate the feelings of others, such as C.S. Lewis. His grief and yours are separate and distinct, for obvious reasons. Good luck.
September 27th, 2005 at 10:19:08 am
Thanks, everybody.
Just to be clear… I’m not “beating myself up” over anything… I don’t feel guilty for talling out of touch with Sarah or anything like that, it’s just the regret of knowing that now I’ll never have the chance. Nor do I think that “the fact that I do not cry does not make my grief any less real.” When I say I’m not “good at grieving,” I don’t mean that I fail to grieve in a socially adequate way… I mean that I feel, phsychologically, that I don’t process grief well enough for my own good. I don’t care about the appearances, it’s the reality that I’m talking about. The point isn’t that crying would make my grief appear more real, it’s that I think crying might make me feel a bit better. Sometimes you just need the release of having a good cry, you know?
September 27th, 2005 at 10:25:53 am
Brendan,
That’s the danger of expressing your innermost thoughts and feelings on a blog. Most strangers just won’t “get it” and will go into immediate “make Brendan comfortable” mode. I appreciate the window to your soul, but I have no idea how to help you, or what you are really feeling.
September 27th, 2005 at 10:40:48 am
That’s OK, Coach, just expressing the thoughts and feelings and having people read them is the primary vehicle for making me feel better… I’m not really depending on others to help me, I just wanted to say my piece, get it off my chest as it were.
That said, you should know that you are the only “stranger” who’s commented here… well, except Ruben Pulido. The others are my future mother-in-law, one of my groomsmen, and a good friend from high school. :)
September 27th, 2005 at 11:08:04 am
You are struggling with a very unique sort of grief Brendan. Its obviously gut wrenching to lose someone that you see every day or are in contact with all the time.
But its a strange thing to deal with when you lose someone that isnt in your immediate circle. Even though you may not have seen that person every day, her influence on your life is something you carried with you whether you were consciously aware of it or not. I have lost people in my life that would fall into this “category” for lack of a better term. The person I lost most recently was one my dance students. She wasnt someone I called on the phone all the time and she was not my peer as there was more than 7 years between us. We didnt “hang out” outside of dance rehearsal but despite all this she was very, very dear to me. We shared a lot of laughs and I was (and still am) close with her family. She passed away almost a year ago and her death is something I’m still dealing with every day. Its certainly not as new or raw as it was a year ago…but i think of her often.
Maybe you didnt talk to Sarah very often but she was a significant person in your life. She was a prom date, and your choir buddy (and we ALL know how close Ars Musica kids get)You dont forget people like that, even if you do lose touch. You are dealing with a lot of DIFFERENT things that make it hard to pin point how to feel. FOr one you are reliving a lot of great memories of her…..you are also dealing with the general human tragedy of a young life lost far too soon, which is sad whether you know the deceased or not…..on top of that you are feeling a sense of loss over not having seen her lately….and last and most importantly you are grieving the loss of a friend. All of these situations bring different thoughts and emotions. My advice is to take each thought and emotion as it comes. If you are laughing over a good time with Sarah, then laugh as hard as you can. If you are feeling sad, dont shrug it off….let yourself feel sad.
You have very nobly said many times on this blog that others who were closer with her must be hurting far worse than you. This is very true and its healthy that you are acknowledging that fact, but dont let the idea of others grieving take away from YOUR grief. Take ownership of your feelings and feel however you need to feel.
September 27th, 2005 at 11:42:14 am
Grief takes its own time and its own path. Be patient with it. Losing someone we care about often touches other issues we have, even if we aren’t aware of them at a conscious level.
Be patient with your brain as it processes Sarah’s death and whatever other latent thoughts and feelings that this has touched.
There isn’t usually a single moment of clarity, where sun bursts through the clouds and everything is all right again. We come back to life slowly.
You’ll be off-kilter for awhile and then one day you’ll notice that things are better. Trust your subconscious mind to do its work in peace. Eat, sleep, exercise a little and go about your normal tasks. It’ll all sort out eventually.
And remember that most of us have a Sarah in our past. You’re not alone.
September 27th, 2005 at 11:46:08 am
A “good cry” may or may not help. When you lose someone who you feel close to, or felt close to at one point, you are going to be hurting for a while. Everyone processes grief in their own way and nothing is going to miraculously make you feel better when you’ve just lost someone you cared for. Not kind words, and not a good cry, but the fact is that you will get through it, just give it a bit of time. You will laugh and sing happy songs again, but there’s always going to be that ache when you think of Sarah. It’s just natural.
September 27th, 2005 at 9:32:53 pm
If you really want a good cry, I can give you a swift kick in the nuts when you come home. ;)
And people think I’m insensitve. Puh!
September 27th, 2005 at 11:07:27 pm
Wow.
September 27th, 2005 at 11:17:55 pm
LOL Becky!
Quit it, you’re going to give Leahy ammunition for saying I need to tolerate him because you’re even worse… hehe… :)
September 28th, 2005 at 10:26:22 am
Good one Becks! Making such a joke is the best way to honor Sarah’s memory. I’m sure if her parents are reading this they’re ROFL. And people thought that you were bitter and jealous?
September 28th, 2005 at 10:40:05 am
How did Sarah die?
September 28th, 2005 at 11:06:08 am
Michael, I’m not sure if you’re being sarcastic or not, but I think you are… and, well, I think it’s obvious that Becky’s comment was not intended to “honor Sarah’s memory,” which is fine, because this is not the primary memorial comment post — this is. It was intended as a joke, to make me laugh, and personally, I thought the joke was funny, and I laughed.
Brenda, I’d rather not discuss that here, as the family chose not to mention the cause of death in the obit.
September 28th, 2005 at 11:22:31 am
I think that it’s in poor taste to make such a comment on ANY post about someone’s recent tragic death. Everyone else has been careful to be respectful on the Sarah posts, even the resident jokers. Perhaps I’m wrong, but I’m not sure that you would have tolerated such a flip comment had it come from any other poster. Perhaps it would have been better to make that joke to you in a private communication. Just my opinion.
September 30th, 2005 at 7:20:38 pm
not that Brendan needs defending on his own site, but i believe it is up to him and to all of the people that knew sarah to decide which comments are in poor taste and which arent. as someone who sang with sarah for three years in the infamous Ars Musica, i must say that i found becky’s comment to be very appropriate; not because it was a light-hearted remark to make brendan laugh (and hopefully help him snap out of it a little bit), but because it was also a good reminder in a hard time that there are people in our lives that care about us and are willing to help as much as we each need. brendan, i’m in the same situation as you, i fell out of touch with sarah since high school, but not a day has gone by that i havent still thought about her at least once: sometimes its happy and sometimes its sad, but eventually the sad memories won’t be quite as hard yet the happy memories will still make us smile as if it were the same day on which we experienced them. my advice to you is to embrace every emotion that you experience for sarah and continue living for the ones you love.
p.s. i still feel bad about falling out of touch with everyone so please feel free to email me whenever
October 31st, 2005 at 7:55:14 am
i know that this is coming very late…and i’m not sure if you will read this, but you are not alone in this…its already the end of October and just a few days ago, i started crying in my car while driving home because I was thinking of her…the pain will diminish over time, but there will always be certain moments that remind us of her and everything will come back…it is upsetting, but when those moments come, think about what reminded you of her…chances are it is a great memory that you can actually cherish like a song that reminds you of Sarah’s amazing personality…so continue to let it move you…I think this grief will turn into a way for us to remember Sarah…
March 14th, 2006 at 7:33:55 pm
Today is not a good day. I miss my Scooch. In two days our little angel will be gone 6 months and it feels like 6 minutes. The picture you like, that you have displayed Brendan is the one I have under her bouquet on my hutch. That was taken at my house in celebration of her 21rst birthday, so long ago. How happy we all were to have her with us for that very special rite into adulthood. I was so proud of her Brendan.
To think she only had a year to live is surreal at best.
I hear her singing and I feel her loving arms hugging her Nana and I truly want her back. The pain is terrible most days but sometimes it is overwhelming.
You are a gem to maintain this site and I would like to help keep it going. Please let me know how I can help.
Thank you for everything and allowing us to peek back in time to a time when life was so beautiful.
Nana