“Well, that wasn’t fun.”
That’s what I said to Sean as I returned to my seat after going through the receiving line, paying my respects to Sarah and expressing my condolences to her parents. If there’s anything that can prepare you for the experience of kneeling in front of the open casket bearing the lifeless body of the girl you took to the prom five years earlier, I don’t know what it is. And if there’s anything remotely adequate that you can possibly say to the grieving parents who were robbed of their beautiful daughter far, far too soon, I don’t know what that would be, either.
Sarah’s wake was definitely one of the saddest events I’ve ever experienced. Not that I expected it to be otherwise, but as I said, nothing can really prepare you for such a thing. I don’t know if I have “closure,” but I know I won’t soon forget the profound sadness and confusion I felt while kneeling by the casket, trying to formulate some sort of a coherent prayer and pretty much failing miserably. I couldn’t decide what to say — or even who I was talking to: God or Sarah? Was I there to thank God for putting Sarah on this earth… or to thank Sarah for all the great memories and for being the angel she was… or to ask God to guide Sarah into heaven and give comfort to her family… or simply to say “goodbye” to Sarah? All of the above, I suppose, but I was shaken and shaking, and it was just a big mental jumble. Ah well, I suppose God can sort out what I meant (and forward the relevant portions to Sarah as appropriate). He is good at such things, or so I hear.
I ran into lots of old friends, of course, and old teachers, too. But, needless to say, there is very little joy in such a reunion. I can’t tell you how many awkward conversations I had that went approximately like this: “Hi, how are you?” “Good. Well, not good, but…” “Yeah, I know what you mean.” It had to be at least a dozen.
I truly can’t fathom what the family is going through. For the parents, it must be almost numbing to go through this whole process — making all the arrangements, receiving condolences for over three hours, etc. When do they have the time and space to grieve? And what about Sarah’s younger siblings? As incomprehensible as this is for all of us, it must be exponentially moreso for them. Poor things.
I would again ask everyone to keep Sarah’s family and close friends in their prayers. If I feel this emotionally stricken — I, someone who hadn’t been in regular touch with Sarah for years — it must be just unbearable for the dozens or hundreds who were closer to her than I. So please, pray for those people. Or if you don’t pray, at least keep them in your thoughts. They need every ounce of support and positive vibes that they can get.
And do something else for me: if there’s a person in your life who, once upon a time, meant a lot to you, but you’ve fallen out of touch with him or her over the years… give that person a call, or write them an e-mail, and see how they’re doing. Life is short, and friends and loved ones are infinitely precious.
Tomorrow comes the funeral and the burial. We’ll be singing “A Welsh Lullaby” at the former and “Amazing Grace” at the latter. My mom earlier today speculated that perhaps we can help Sarah’s soul find eternal rest with our musical tribute. I’m not sure if I believe that, but it’s a comforting thought. And those are hard to come by right now. :(
P.S. There was a touching slideshow of pictures of Sarah that was displayed from a projector throughout the wake. Included was a great picture of us at the prom. You can watch the video here, supposedly, though I can’t get it to work on my browser. (Linked from here.)
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Categories: Sarah LeFoll
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September 22nd, 2005 at 1:22:13 am
How sad. I’ve heard from people who have experienced this (including my parents when my Grandma died) that those closest to the deceased don’t have time to truely grieve until after the funeral, after everyone leaves and you have to deal with life without said person. I imagine that’s the hardest part of all, espicially if that person was a part of your everyday life.
I do not look forward to experiencing anything like that.
September 22nd, 2005 at 1:28:59 am
Brendan-
My thoughts and prayers and with you and and Sarah’s family. Hang in there…
-Matt
September 22nd, 2005 at 1:46:06 am
I am so sorry for your loss, and for the pain you are feeling, both for yourself and Sarah’s family. I hope you can find peace in your grief. My prayers are with you and the LeFoll family.
September 22nd, 2005 at 1:49:31 am
(((Brendan)))
My heart goes out to you, bud.
My experience has been that saying good-bye is just as you’ve described it….difficult, painful, and confusing.
Choosing to do things like sing in the midst of such pain is part of what gets us thru, I’ve found.
I also concur with your mom……
……so you go for it, and sing your heart out, Brendan.
Sending prayers and hugs to a good and decent guy….
and it shows.
September 22nd, 2005 at 2:11:40 am
When my grandmother passed away I was a bit sad, but more so for my mother who had just lost her mother. Yet I was ok with it, because Grandma had lived a long and happy life, and while she would be missed, I knew that with her fialing health over the previous few years, the release may have been just right.
Yet here, such a young and promising life, I can’t keep myself from tearing up every time I think about it. I never met Sarah, only knew of her through Brendan and a couple brief online conversations (where we of coursed picked on a certain red-headed roomate of mine), yet the idea that she is gone, like Brendan said, to try and imagine what her family must be feeling, its like trying to grasp the size of the universe, its just not possible, no matter how hard you try.
September 22nd, 2005 at 3:20:49 am
I am actually on this site for your hurricane update and I’m thankful for your insight as I’ve had friends/family in the paths of these hurricanes…
However, glancing at what you’re going through I just wanted to let you know my prayers are with you, her family and friends…I’ve known death very well as I’ve had some of the most significant people in my life, my mother when I was 5 (she was 24) and my Grandmother die, my best friend in a coma and has never regained her full memory and a few others…tears still well up in my eyes and it’s been years…
Four things I’ve hung on to though through this, 1-my own faith in God 2-the prayers of others 3-the memories of my loved ones and 4-my relationships that mean so much to me.
Three things I allowed myself to do is have time to grieve, to feel the pain and confusion of the loss and then to also remember the joy that person brought to my life and others.
God bless and again I’ll be praying for you.
September 22nd, 2005 at 6:27:12 am
Mes condolÈances de france.
J’Ètais sur le site pour la mise ‡ jour sur katrina et je suis tombÈ sur cette histoire qui m’a beaucoup attristÈ.
Qui sait si tu avais rÈpondu ‡ son email peut-�tre que cela aurait changÈ le cours des choses ?
Sarah repose en paix.
September 22nd, 2005 at 8:20:12 am
Brendan,
My heart goes out to you and to Sarah’s family and all of her friends. I experienced something similar recently, a girl who dated my friends son for 5 years (and they had been married just a year and they had a 6 month old daughter), who was only 19 years old, going to college, a bright and cheery, beautiful girl, was killed in a freak one car crash on a Sunday afternoon. Just out of the blue, that’s it. I understand the feeling. It’s just too shocking and too hard to understand. All kinds of emotions run wild. It’s terrible when any loved one passes on, but when it’s so untimely it’s hard to bear. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I watched the tribute, she’s a beautiful person.
September 22nd, 2005 at 10:02:50 am
thoughts are with you
September 22nd, 2005 at 10:19:22 am
Dude,
Life is precious. Hold your loved ones tight, live for the moment and never plan anything more than 3 months in advance. Hang in there, cappy. Give our best to the ones who were close to Ms. LeFoll.
September 22nd, 2005 at 12:14:02 pm
Brendan,
My prayers for you and her family.
–Jonathan Watson
September 22nd, 2005 at 12:17:08 pm
Life Knows Only Today, Love Is Forever
Listen, do you feel the roar of silence?
It has been so long since we last came together,
We procrastinated and now our reunions can never be complete.
Why does my body cry when my soul rejoices?
I know in my soul that this is a day of Peace and Promise.
But, somehow, I cannot help but feel the pain of my personal loss.
Just as I know the mechanics of gymnastics, I know of the Peace.
But my mind gives way to the flesh and fails to dry my tears,
just as my earthly body will not allow me to execute a flip.
I have been blessed with a Love that now seems lost.
Yet I feel an emptiness that I do not understand.
Now the pain is up in the top of my throat,
I try to swallow but the sorrow is so great.
How can I go on? But how can I not?
Now my inner soul takes control, and I’ll make it to the end of the day.
Still, as my tomorrows become today, the emptiness will haunt me,
but there are groceries to be bought and mortgages to be paid.
There just won’t be time for this eclipsing pain.
And I will remember the times we shared and the Love we have.
Even now, I am filled with our Love, and I find a little smile.
God, if it could only last… But I am left here in this world.
So now I turn, and walk away… good-bye for now, but,
know that your flame burns on in my Heart.
We have always known that our Love was not of flesh, but of our Hearts,
A Love so strong that nothing can possibly keep us apart.
Surely, time is only an invention of this earthly life.
Deep down I know that before we were born
there was only a bright flash of light,
and there will only be forever,
when we again unite.
mike barnes
mike@enchantedimage.com
P.S. feel free to pass this on.
September 22nd, 2005 at 2:29:40 pm
I am very sorry for your friend’s loss, and my heart goes out to Sarah’s family.
I didn’t know Sarah–I graduated NHS in 1998 and ran with a different crowd in school–but the musical talent our school had was tremendous and it’s without saying that she will be terribly missed…
Erika
NHS class of ‘98